This summer, I learned about how important it is to have a Christian-community for support, but I do not really have that, despite being heavily involved in several aspects of my church, including the youth bible quizzing program and the youth group. I do not really have people who I connect to or can simply talk to about my struggles. Nor do I have a mentor planted in the word.

So I find myself often going back and forth between a couple passages in the bible that talk about “good fruit”, trying to find an ‘escape hole’, so-to-speak, that would make living a Christian life easier and could help edify myself and my church and my youth group. It isn’t that I don’t want to live for God, it is that I am tired of having a mind set that after asking for forgiveness from God, within a short period of time, I will mess up again, as well as that I am longing to find some way in which I can fit in with my youth group; that if I can find a loop-hole, I would be able to partake with the youth free of conscience. But there isn’t, leaving me the church outsider. Maybe I am that one weird girl who just cannot fit in because she is too different. But whatever the supposed reason, it is really because I am not happy with my church and quite frankly fed up with my youth group.

And I get it! As Christians, we are the biggest examples of hypocrites and the definition of internal warfare, as I mentioned in a previous post, because we are literally fighting ourselves in regard to our earthly desires against our passion and desperate need to follow God. So I feel like the biggest hypocrite for pointing any of this out, but, generally speaking, no one cares to change. We enter into worship with God on Wednesday nights and then right after we exit the room, we curse with the same mouth. We exclude. We judge. We tend to be ignorant. But why? How does one look intently into the bible on a weekly basis and then reflect a life of a judgmental, ignorant, blasphemous, conceited people?

I have studied several books in the bible, and never have I ever read about us being told by God to be any of those attributes! On the contrary, we are COMMANDED BY HIM to be a loving, accepting, nonjudgmental, out-reaching, merciful, forgiving, welcoming, and fruit-bearing people.

So, where is the fruit?

In Galatians 5:22-23 it says that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It then goes on to say that against any of these things, there is NO law.

So then, where do we develop these attitudes?

Anytime I feel a bit of neglect towards a person, the Holy Spirit reminds me about hell, not threatening me, but helping me remember that if I do not display God’s love in my life, that if my life is not a mirror image of God’s grace and joy and love, then that person may never experience truly the majesty of being broken for God. No matter what a person may do to me, I would HATE for them to experience the torment that is hell, which is defined as being completely and utterly separated from God’s love.

But again, everyone makes mistakes. Is that enough? Will that be our answer to God when he asks us where is our fruit? Will we simply tell him, “Oh, well, everyone makes mistakes. We tried”? No. We would be scrambling around trying to find a shred of proof.

And we are warned in the gospels, as is written, “The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.” – Luke 3:9

We know that we need to produce good fruit. We know that faith without deeds is dead, as identified by the book of James. What in the world then is keeping us from doing that?

 See, a few weeks ago, I felt so unaccepted at my youth group that when the pastor asked me to join the group for bowling, I had just about broken down almost in tears. That was when I told him and another youth leader that I do not have friends at the youth group and did not want to be the awkward person there who no one will talk to. The person who doesn’t appear in any photos, despite there being hundreds of photos taken from the event. I went under the pastor giving me his word that at least him and this other youth leader were there for me…

That's the fruit. There it is. Some of you reading this have probably read my original post entitled "Where's the Fruit?" I have created this post because upon it being posted and reading it over, I realized that the point I am trying to get across may have become lost in some of the text. I wrote it not to point out the things that are not working in my church, because it is not mine to judge, but to tell you all that there are people like me in your churches... Members who don't feel accepted and are really and truthfully scared to seek help from the church and congregation and staff due to judgement, ridicule, being called a liar or an attention-seeker, and the gossip. I am not content just going through the motions, nor am I okay with hearing sexual connotation and jokes in church or feeling like I have to be put together and perfect. I have friends from school who have actually given up Christ because we, as a whole and individuals, claim to live our lives for God and then we walk out the doors and continue on with our indifferent lives.

I mean, no matter what the situation, I would never give up my relationship with God. He is too real for me to ever even imagine life without Him. I have such a strong faith in Him because of all that I have been through which He has carried me through. But not everyone has this. How can we, as Christians (claiming to be followers of Christ), let there be a possibility of us turning off nonbelievers who simply want to know this unconditional love we profess with our lips?

It is my CHRISTIAN friends who pressure me into drugs and sex and partying. It is my CHRISTIAN friends who judge me. It is the CHRISTIAN “rolemodels” who surround my mouth with swearing. If I try to share a struggle with a fellow CHRISTIAN, they chuckle at it, not taking it seriously, or they only say what they think they are supposed to say regarding it, mindlessly, not even caring.

However, it is my CHRISTIAN youth pastor who is constantly trying to ensure I feel wanted and know that I matter and it is one of my CHRISTIAN youth leaders who sits down with me for a couple hours just to hear how my life is going and to offer me support and it is my CHRISTIAN Bible quizzing coach who has gotten down into the dirt to help me up and who is constantly encouraging me through God's word. And that's where the fruit it.

In a way, I wish I had an elaborate story about some life-changing event that led me to the undeniable realization of God’s existence. However, I don’t have a thrilling story like that to tell and I’m sure I have this in common with a lot of believers. But the only reason I would want to have an exciting story would be to make my testimony more easy to explain.

I feel that people make the mistake of trying to make God more appealing. As if He needed anyone’s help. God doesn’t make a big show out of things just to impress us humans. What does He need to impress us for? Do you think He gets some kind of fulfillment out of it? Do you think He needs us for anything? Who are we anyway? We wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for Him. Do you think He created us so that He could spend the rest of His time giving us every little thing we ask for and keeping us happy? I really think it’s selfish to think that just because things start to go badly in our lives, that means God isn’t doing His job. He owes us nothing. Period. Yes, God blesses us with everything, but not because He has to provide for us. He just does. He loves us for some reason. We definitely don’t deserve it and there’s nothing we ever could do to deserve it, but He does!

God works in big ways, but He also works in simple ways. So to put it simply, I believe in God because I always have. It’s just a part of who I am. I can’t separate myself from a belief in God because I wouldn’t be myself without God. God defines me. He defines what I do and don’t do and my life wouldn’t make any sense without Him. I’m not perfect and never will be, but I’m trying to make Him proud of me. God gave me my parents in order to teach me to come to this conclusion. Children are gifts from God. He intends for parents to take this wonderful creation that He has given them, this perfect and sinless creation, and keep the child that way. A parent is suppose to raise a child so that he or she doesn’t grow and end up lost because of this evil world. A child isn’t suppose to be a burden. A child isn’t suppose to be a long-term problem. A child is suppose to make his or her parents happy. A parent should never regret having children.

Therefore, we are all gifts from God. Even as I was growing up and going to church because that’s where my parents took me, I didn’t complain. Even when I wasn’t at the age where I was trying to comprehend the depth of God’s word fully, He was a part of my life. I never questioned His existence and I was taught to not listen to those who did. I was taught this because I belong to God. God gave me to my parents so they could raise me while they’re on this earth. Christianity is, after all, a taught religion. People had to tell me of the God who created me, of the God who will judge me, of the God who loves me. People had to tell me how to please Him. Once I was taught these things, I was able to recognize what was in my heart all along. I learned to recognize Who was in control. And in the mean time, as I was being taught, God didn’t allow my heart to wander from Him. He never let me feel comfortable with the idea of not going church. Especially since God states in the Bible for us not to forsake the assembly. He wants us to worship with other believers. He never let me feel that my parents were wasting my time. But the time came when my parents didn’t make me go to church or read His word or want to follow Him. They didn’t have to make me do those things anymore. There is no way that I’ll do anything other than those things. I do those things because I know it’s right. I know there isn’t anything better for me to do.

Life is so pointless without God. What would we have to live for? Is it really fulfilling to grow up, go to school, work hard, retire, get sick, and die? Why do anything if we knew we were just going to die? What would we do when we were scared or going through a rough time if we didn’t have God for comfort? There are so many scary things in this world. There’s war, severe weather, sickness, pain, murder, theft… The list goes on. I personally would feel so overwhelmingly afraid by what could happen, I would find it hard to have any desire to go on if I didn’t have God’s promise and comfort. I believe in God because He is there. I have always known that and always will. And there is absolutely no way that I can ever be convinced to believe otherwise.  God doesn’t need us, but He wants to use us. He made these wonderful works for us ahead of time and  all we have to do is jump in on His plan and enjoy the ride! I’m not saying things will always be fun and easy, but hey, what else do you really have to do? What could be better?

I am a full-soul stereotypical Christian.

Do ye not see?

Followeth all of the rules,

Perfecteth little me!

I am a full-soul stereotypical Christian

Who deserves such praise

For my work at rebuking

My friends’ evil ways.

And as a full-soul stereotypical Christian

I will not holdeth anything against you.

Well, as long as you are not a Muslim,

A Buddhist, or a Jew.

Because us full-soul stereotypical Christians

Have reputations you see-eth

To remaineth “diamond pure”

I our “top priority”-eth.

And as a full-soul stereotypical Christian

It is clear that I am always glee-

Ful of joy I wear a smile.

Sorrow’s not a possibility.

Since I am a full-soul stereotypical Christian,

My friends keepeth things from me,

Worried by what I might sayeth

And the judgement there might be.

Now as a full-soul stereotypical Christian,

I sing hymns obviously!

I do not careth for pop, rock, or jazz.

But now, listen to my plee.

If I am such a full-soul stereotypical Christian

Why do I like pop?

Why is my best friend Jewish?

I am I not always top?

Yes, I am a full-soul type of Christian,

But judgmental? Not really!

Nor racist, nor perfect,

Nor am I always happy.

Believe I am a full-soul type of Christian

By my actions, words, and deeds

But not by the stereotypes

That categorize me.

I was baptised at birth, and welcomed warmly into the house of God. I attended church every Sunday and sang my praises to him week in and week out. I went to a catholic school, said grace before my meals, prayed for loved ones before bed, and got actively involved in the church community. My childhood was very spiritual.
As I grew older, I began to ask questions; questions like “If God created everything, what created him?” to which people would say things along the lines of “God was just there”. When I asked “if God is all powerful ad he can do ANYTHING without so much as a lift of a finger, or a blink of an eye, why is it that it took him 6 days to create the heavens and the earth?” I think I’d be more inclined to have faith in a god who is capable of a creation of Divine proportions instantaneously. If God hates sin, but loves forgiveness even more, then why is it that he won’t forgive those who do not accept him as their saviour? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I assume that according to Christianity, Gandhi- given that he was a Hindu- did not make it in to heaven as he did not accept Jesus as his lord, and savior. Meanwhile, there are murders, and rapists out there who can go through their lives terrorizing others, and then in theory ask God for forgiveness, and as long as they are genuine, they live in eternal bliss. This seems beyond strange to me.
These questions that nobody I speak to seem to have answers for weren’t even the hardest thing for me to grasp in the Christian faith. The biggest thing for me is that according to my church ministers, in order to accept God, and be a truly devout Christian, I must “worship” God. I looked up the definition of worship: “To love unquestioningly, and uncritically”. This means that in order to be a true follower of the lord, I must love God unquestioningly, and uncritically day in and day out.
You may ask “What’s wrong with that? God’s a swell guy, I can’t imagine ever questioning my love for him. Just look at what he’s provided for us.” You’re right, God has done a lot for humanity- namely creating us, and giving us free-will etc. The problem that I face is that we are all human, and nobody on the face of the earth can prove with certainty that God exists. So even those who are “filled with the spirit of the lord” should from time to time question whether or not God is even up there. The idea of God is one of great beauty, and the idea of eternal life, is one that’s undeniably appealing; but if you ask me, the idea of claiming to KNOW that God is up there, and never EVER questioning that is awfully arrogant. Furthermore, one cannot love a non-existant entity. That said, unless you NEVER question the existence of God, you cannot love him unquestioningly, and uncritically, therefore, the only true followers of God would have to be arrogant enough to believe there isn’t the slightest possibility that they may have the story of creation that they’re basing on a book that’s been translated countless times over the years just a little bit wrong. Gandhi was a pretty amazing individual, who’s to say that the Hindus aren’t right? Or the Jews? Or Muslims? Or even the Atheists for that matter? This is why since then, I’ve gone the agnostic route, I am not claiming that I know about my origin any more than anybody else on the planet, and as far as I can tell, this should be a unanimous decision worldwide.
I don’t mean to insult Christianity. The truth is, I miss Christianity, that’s why I’m here taking my time to type this up. I don’t mean to offend or insult anybody on this site. I’m just looking for answers and rationalities behind being a Christian. any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Prayer has recently become a “hot topic” for me since the beginning of the summer. I am just so fascinated by exactly what prayer is and the direct result of sincere prayer.

Over the summer I began to fall in love with prayer and I could see it actually make a difference in my life! I found that my internal attitude became more sincere to myself and God and that I just couldn’t ever get enough of it! When my friends and I sat down to eat a meal together, we would tend to have one person pray for the meal, though we did also do more of a popcorn prayer style sometimes, and almost every time that I would pray for the meal, it would take me almost as long to pray for the food as it would to eat it. It was that I would pray for one thing and then another thing I want to pray about would appear in my mind, so obviously I would pray for it as well. It is this so complete and comforted feeling and I could just never thank God enough and I always found new passions for requests. God gave me this fire to pray. Each day I would start off with prayer and, no matter how long or short, I would always request God to give me a servant’s heart.

It was really quite funny because even after I got home… Even to this day, when I am about to pray for a group of people at dinner or at an event they joke and ask me if I can keep it under a half hour… Even now when I am partaking in a popcorn prayer, I am constantly asked to open but never to close because I find it so hard to… It is that I don’t want to stop there and that my ‘amen’ is this reoccurring phrase in my head just thanking and blessing God for more and more things.

But the best part of my prayer experience this summer was when my Frontline Kaizan (which means constant improvement) meeting occurred one Friday afternoon at 2 and we spent the entire hour or two talking about the different aspects of prayer. This is what I want to share with you now.

Firstly, we were asked what prayer was? What WAS prayer intended for? I believe that prayer is meant to serve as communion between us and with God. And the key phrasing there is union. Prayer is meant to be us uniting with God. But it isn’t a one-way thing. It is a two-way communion. So by that definition, we see that we are to:

1) talk to God

2)listen to God and then

3) be silent before God

When many people think of prayer, they think of The Lord’s Prayer. I find it quite ridiculous to think that some people just memorize and recite this at the Sunday service. Yes, the Lord’s prayer is a perfect example of how to pray… But that’s just it. Jesus wants it to serve as our reference tool. He doesn’t want you to literally recite this if it isn’t what your heart needs. It is an outline as to how to pray. It relates to when in Paul is talking to the church of Corinth and he shares about how if he prays for the church in tongues, though he himself will be blessed, the church will not be blessed by saying amen if they do not have an interpreter that they might know what is being prayed. This is a direct parallel to the Lord’s prayer and simply reciting it. If you do not understand exactly what it is the Lord’s prayer is saying, it will be of no value to you and you will not be edified.

So I am going to break it down for you.

The Lord’s prayer outlines three areas in which to pray:

1) Praise: blessing God for who He is and thanking Him for all he has done and continues to do; that we are able to pray directly to Him concerning any matters and that we have been given the freedom and joy of praying without ceasing (as seen is 1 Thessalonians 5:17).

2) Petitions and Requests: laying down our burdens before the cross and bringing all of our needs to God’s attention; here we are also calling on God to answer the promises He has given us and the hope to which we cling that we might boast in Him; we are also requesting God that all things might be done that His majesty might be revealed.

3) Solicitation: praying for matters, not concerning ourselves, as God leads us.

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.

… In this first part of the prayer, Jesus is telling us to recognize who God is and bless Him. This opening of the prayer also reminds us that God is our heavenly father.

…The very first two words mentioned by Jesus in the Lord’s prayer are “Our Father”. This first part is so exciting as it displays the close relationship God desperately desires to share with us. Since Jesus came to rebuild the bridge between us and God, so-to-speak, we see in this passage that God wants us to  approach Him with confidence and trust, with a childlike faith.

…Also, by declaring that His name be “hallowed” we are sending off a plea to God that we might be continually made more holy. We, right off the bat, are professing that we are sinners, unworthy to have His attention.

Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.

…Here, we are taught that a sincere prayer is asking God’s will to take presidency in our lives. Going back to the definition of prayer, prayer is the communion of us and God. This means that we are uniting with God and His will and desire and love and all that He is, as His intentions are pure and perfect, and He always has our best interest in mind. It is the surrendering of ourselves and our will to God, admitting that His plans are greater and better than we could ever imagine. It is asking Him to align your heart’s desires with His… We see then that it is important for this part of our prayers to come in the beginning so that when we pray, our prayers will be sincere and that when we pray we might be doing so out of love and reverent submission to God.

Give us this day our daily bread.

… This is a pretty self-explanatory line. This is the time in our prayer when we are being asked to lay down all of the burdens in our hearts. Everything that we have been struggling with we lift up to Him and ask Him to provide for us and all of our needs. We are calling on God’s promises in the old testament that He will care for us as it says in Philippians 4:19, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” And again we see in Matthew 6:31-32, “Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.” And yet again we read in James 1:6 “If anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” Which then verifies Matthew’s recording of Jesus, assuring those who love God, “If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?”

…This section of the Lord’s prayer also refers to our hearts yearning for a taste of the heavenly banquet yet to come. It is us requesting God to bless us in the things we do and the harvest we reap.

And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.

… I would like to focus on the second line here. You see, if the Lord’s prayer only included the top line, “And forgive us our trespasses,” we could assume that it is just us again calling on another promise given us by God… But we see here by the inclusion of the second line that there is one mandated requirement here… That we forgive our brothers and sisters. In the first line, we are calling upon God to let us receive our long awaited promise come true, but we must uphold to our end of the bargain. After all, if we can’t forgive someone for hurting us in any which way they can, how can expect Christ to forgive us our sins, which he HIMSELF paid for by suffering a humiliating and tormenting, innocent death? It again goes back to Jesus’s parable about the unforgiving servant as seen in Matthew 18:23-35.

.                                            ”Therefore the Kingdom of Heaven is like a certain king, who wanted to reconcile accounts with his servants.  When he had begun to reconcile, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.  But because he couldn’t pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, with his wife, his children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.  The servant therefore fell down and kneeled before him, saying, ‘Lord, have patience with me, and I will repay you all!’  The lord of that servant, being moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.  “But that servant went out, and found one of his fellow servants, who owed him one hundred denarii, and he grabbed him, and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’  “So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will repay you!’  He would not, but went and cast him into prison, until he should pay back that which was due.  So when his fellow servants saw what was done, they were exceedingly sorry, and came and told to their lord all that was done.  Then his lord called him in, and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt, because you begged me.  Shouldn’t you also have had mercy on your fellow servant, even as I had mercy on you?’   His lord was angry, and delivered him to the tormentors, until he should pay all that was due to him.  So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don’t each forgive your brother from your hearts for his misdeeds.”
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.

…This sixth petition is our acknowledgement that we cannot stand against temptation alone; that without God, we will fall undoubtedly. So here we are calling on God to strengthen us without ceasing as our enemies (that are our sinful nature, the devil, and things of this world) are attacking us full might without ceasing. It is furthermore the acknowledgement that though we cannot stand alone, we can face all things and overcome all obstacles through strength given us by God.

…For we know without a doubt that God wants us to succeed, as shown in the writings of Jeremiah chapter 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
…What is more, we are assured in James chapter one that God does not tempt us to sin… That temptation comes from our earthly sinful desires. It reiterates that temptation is not sin; it is the prompt enticement to sin. We are promised there that if we rely on God during times of trials and temptation, we will be able to resist and then develop perseverance so that we might continually be made more holy… Wait, isn’t that the matter of which I shared at the beginning of the Lord’s prayer? That we are begging God to continually make us more holy? So we see that they go hand-in-hand and that as we call on God to strengthen us in times of trial and pain, He will make us holy through perseverance.

For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

…And in this final portion, we are affirming our faith and restating that everything will somehow be used to reveal God’s glory and majesty; that we want everything we do to be an echo of this profession. Another great passage that has a bit more detail of this affirmation ending is 1 Chronicles 29:11                 .                                    ” Thine, O Lord, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty; for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O Lord, and thou art exalted as head above all.”

…And with the “Amen”, we are declaring that we understand and agree with all that was just prayed, hence how important it is to understand these aspects of the Lord’s prayer.

Prayer used to be such an important part of my life… Not the format or anything, but the communion… Having time to freely speak with God and show Him that you want Him to know you.  As I would walk to and fro school, I would find myself in constant conversation with Him, seeking His guidance and wisdom amongst and a midst all of my struggles. I didn’t realize how much less often I prayed when I got into high school and bused my way around the city to school and back again… My half hour walking commute had become my prayer time and I lost that and did not realize that I needed to set aside a separate time of the day when I can commit to it being solely me and God in chat with each other…. I really do praise God for this past summer as it has shown me what I have been missing and has grown my prayer life which has, in turn, grown every other spiritual aspect of me and my relationships with not only Him, but with both believers and nonbelievers… Friends, don’t lose time for God… Just try sincerely praying… It may feel a bit awkward at first but I assure you, as does the bible, that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you and you will develop this fiery passion for Him and His word and to know Him and live like Him.

Blessings.

Bullying.

With a topic selection like this, I find myself drowning in my thoughts. Where do I even begin?

I guess I will simply start from the top.

My first main encounter of being bullied, as far as I can remember, is in grade four. That’s when it started. My family lived in an apartment building back then and we had some new friends move in. They were the two boys of the new superintendent. I have always been known as more of a social type of girl so it should be no surprise that I immediately put myself out there to make friends with them. The cool part about living in a building is that everyone is friends with everyone. We were all pretty close in age…. Like four years older than me to four or five years younger. The younger of the two brothers was in grade five and the other in grade six so they were pretty close to my age. Anyways, as the story goes, I made friends with them and so did everyone else. I remember that they had these cool, tiny, blue tricycles they would show off by riding…. Doing tricks and all.

They fit in perfectly.

It was after they had become well acquainted with the community and school students that things began to reverse for me. They became my first bullies. Now, it was kind of an awkward situation, so-to-speak, because they were boys and I was a girl. Boys tend to be involved with physical bullying and girls with verbal/cyber. So it just meant that I got the best of both worlds. They would drag me up onto the field to beat me up and everyone would just crowd around. People would try to take sides as to who they thought would win, but no one would ever intervene. I remember that year as being the year I began swearing. I mean, all I could ever do was swear back and fight back. I can recall this one time when they had brought me to my knees and I was sticking up both of my middle fingers at him, not giving up my ground, and he was trying to break them. The one thing bullies hate more than a “tattle-tale” is a fighter…

I am most definitely not proud of my fighting back strategies… But unlike in the movies where the child would tell their mom or dad, these two boys had power over me, literally…. They were the sons of the building’s superintendent…. They had threatened to have my family kicked out of the building if I told. So, being a naive fourth grader, I believed that they had this power, I hadn’t yet learned the meaning of an empty threat. And you would think that they would have been very cautious about the location of them beating me up, but they did it at home, in the backyard, right in front of my balcony. The last time they tried to hurt me I believe was the incident of them chasing me around with metal and wooden baseball bats. My friend from the building banged on my balcony to get my mom’s attention and she came out and said that if they were to harm me any more, she would not hesitate in calling the cops.

Finally, I was free from it….

But little did I know that I would so desperately be yearning for those days of their torment over what life held in store for me following it. Yes, that is when the verbal bullying really took a presence in my life. I lost all of my friends. The names just would not stop.

And now it is grade six. The bullying created this big hole in my heart. Fortunately for me, grade six was also the year I began bible quizzing. Bible quizzing is this program where teams of youth from grades five to twelve (often representing individual churches) compete and quiz over knowledge of a predetermined section of the Bible. That year we were studying James and Romans. The very second verse I had memorized, right at the beginning of James, became the single most important piece of knowledge I had ever attained on how to handle any situation.

“Consider is pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”                                                              -James 1:2-4 (NIV)

Though the above passage helped me understand that these trials I’m facing right now will only grow my faith if I trust in God, I had no idea as to how useful it would be. It became my life phrase as I experienced many more trials. Through all of the threats, the cyber bullying, the gossip… I was now equipped with the knowledge that God’s glory will be revealed through these things. I didn’t know how. I just knew that it would.

However, it didn’t mean that I had fully understood how to experience such a joy during said times…. I went through internal depression and thoughts of suicide, and even to the point where I would try to attempt it and just not be able to follow through. (Thank God!) I remember thinking, only a few moments of pain and then it would be over. I would almost wish to have run away from home, in hopes that, when I returned, they would see how miserable it made me and that they would change.

I never did run away.

Maybe it was because I did not have the guts. Maybe I just really did not want the attention or for my family to think that I didn’t love them. Maybe it was because I was starting to see things differently. It’s like, I can tell when someone is going through something. Many people began coming to me for advice on every which situation, and still do. I finally began to see that a midst all of my struggles, God’s glory could not be shadowed or dimmed; that the darker it got, the brighter He shone. He even gave me the courage to share my testimony of what bullying has done in not only my life, but in the lives of others. And how that if each person took a stand, the world would become a greater world of love.

I can’t say that I fully know or will ever know the extent of how God is going to use me and these experiences in which He revealed himself and His majesty to me…. However, He has given me this strong gift of empathy and a new type of site to seeing when someone needs Him. He has helped me to get deep into the lives of others around me and is using my music to reach a new generation. All of this. To think, such a simple verse could speak such a truth of God’s love for me into my life that I might be able to share it with others.

Though there will always be trials of bullying, no matter how rare or minor or major, I know without a doubt that NOTHING will separate me from this truth.

I have been on several youth group retreats and of course, I have experienced, what I like to call, the spiritual high…. It seemed to catch on after my repetitive use of it in grade eight… Anyways, this past summer I spent working up at Muskoka Bible Center in Huntsville and, well…. WHAT A RUSH!

You see, I have had summer jobs working for Christian camps before and am heavily involved in my church and youth group and bible quizzing… But this was nothing like those times…. The camps I worked at in previous years were day camps and so, councilors come in each morning for eight and worship God and then leave the building at 4:30 to return to their indifferent lives. Now, it wasn’t at fault of our bosses or anything, it just was that way… I mean, we would have staff devos. for a half hour to forty-five minutes before we began to work and we would start AND end the day leading the campers in worship… But then afterwards, the staff would return to doing whatever they wanted just minding not to get caught. So after a while, as I catch on to these things, it just kinda destroyed the whole thing for me… Which I should not have allowed. I was just tired of going on all of these youth retreats and working for an eight hour day with these “Christians” just for people to be faking every second of it…

I became the youth group outcast, so-to-speak, and I didn’t find a place where I fit in… Not even in bible quizzing… I kept growing stronger in my faith with God but farther apart from any Christian-based community.

Then I had the privilege to spend this past summer up at MBC. My duties were working Monday to Friday mornings from 9-12 teaching youth, from grades four to twelve how to build model rockets, that flew up to two-three thousand feet in the air, and I also worked Tuesday through Thursday afternoons Saturdays at the Marina. What sweet jobs! I would also then volunteer in different departments during my spare time.

This was my first summer away from home, so obviously I was nervous about making friends and being accepted, which was really quite weird because I am usually the one person excited to meet the new person and make friends with people and reach out… I guess it shows you how judged and unaccepted I felt then….  But, I was going to make it work! I would tell some new friends I made about all of my accomplishments, as if I hadn’t learned my lesson the first time about giving God the glory, and did my best to impress people.

I made friends.

However, the cooler part about it was that I didn’t make them by the stories I told. They enjoyed my personality and spunkiness and, yes, I’ll admit it, clumsiness and blondness… I finally found a group of people who accepted me.

What was even better was that they were all desperately seeking God’s face this summer and to grow closer with God, as was I. It was so different being in a 24hour accountability setting. You and your co-workers were always in constant prayer with each other. And something more, people were actually getting down into the dirt to walk alongside the other.

As a bit of background information, all of the workers in this program ranged in age from 15-25 and so the older employees (being university students) would be mentors to us younger ones…. Now, that was a truly new concept to me. Someone who I could tell anything to, who is not like a dumb therapist or social worker who just recommend me solutions without actually understanding, who would be my friend and would PRAY over me and just chill with me… Off/bad day or not… Despite feeling a bit awkward at first about it, I chose this 22 year old, Stephanie, who had already helped me out with a situation that I went through in the first week.

With Stephanie and my other new friends, I grew even closer to God and really began to understand the importance of having a Christian community for support. I mean, this summer, even with all the amazing things God had been doing, had a lot of trials and pushed me. I experienced overwhelming fear almost everyday whereas, if you had asked me before the summer, I would have told you that though I might be a little scared of stuff at times, I don’t really have a fear… Yet each new day had brought about something new that struck terror to my very soul and I would feel so insecure about myself.

But up at MBC I could feel God’s love and pressence so greatly. So much so that I even dared to share my testimony. Just telling them everything I have been through and how God has used it to help me and bring him glory. Afterwards, I spoke with a great friend and encouragement, Kurtis, who basically asked me, “After all of the things that you’ve gone through, how could you have such a strong faith in God?” My response was simply, “How could I not?”

This really got me thinking… I mean, the whole summer, he had been a major inspiration to me of how real and sincere and strong his faith was and yet, people were coming up to me for encouragement or to pray over them or to give them advice and wisdom as to what Jesus would have them do…. I didn’t realize how visible and strong my faith was up until that moment. I felt earlier on in the summer that I was being tested to show me how weak my faith was….

This just lit me up, not that I was proud for keeping to my faith, but finally understanding that God is still present in my life, which just encouraged me that he is still working with me and through me in the hard times. And I was determined to keep this spirit alive when I returned home to the big city in September.

The one thing I wanted more than anything about returning home was to be closer with my family and the one thing I was terrified about leaving camp was that I would be one of those crashers…

In a way, I do feel like I have crashed because it is just so much harder now not being in this sheltered environment… But at the same time, I know that I just have to persevere more and that God is here with me and that is giving me the strength to push past this feeling of a spiritual hangover…

The one thing that I am trying to really remember during these tough times is what I learned in this summer about Christian community and God’s omnipresence-ness because spiritual growth is not something that can ever die down… If it does, than it isn’t really spiritual growth… As well as that spiritual growth doesn’t mean that you won’t have those times where you feel like you are breaking down… They actually mandate your constantly being rebroken so that God might build you up in a new way and that you may grow closer to Him more so.

A few years ago, three to be exact, I participated on my churches bible quizzing team. Actually, it was my fourth year and I felt pretty confident. Well, not confident enought that I wasn’t relying on God for his help and guidance but still, I believed in myself. The first tournament last year, I placed 15th and then at then after placing 7th in the second tournament, I began to think more and more about making the international team. And it’s not like there was anything wrong with that… It was the fact that I started to, not rely on God less but, not give Him any credit (or at least, I took most of it). Which meant that later on, I was apart of quizzing mainly for the glory. I gave very little praise to God and I would only tell my friends at school what I wanted them to hear and what made me seem amazing. I even became ashamed to share the verses that I memorized in quizzing with anyone outside the church or quizzing.

Now, leaping forward a couple of months, at the end of April myself, along with the rest of the grade nines from my school, went to Quebec City for five days. And there was no doubt that I was going to bring my quizzing material on the trip so that I could review for the fourth and final quizzing tournament at Muskoka Woods on the following weekend. So, I did… And I reviewed my best chapters in front of my friends so they would think that I was so cool (being able to remember all that stuff) and then I practiced my worst chapters in private to prevent me from looking like a complete idiot. You know what? It worked! My friends did think of me as cool because I could remember so much.

But that week did not go at all like I had expected it to. My so-called friends were gossiping about me and so, I prayed to God again. And as always, He came through for me. But did I even remember to thank Him and give Him the glory? No… well, rarely. I just kept thinking that I was responsible for my happiness. That’s when I started to realize how everything was falling apart. It’s the moment when everything is seemingly alright and something just hits you… And you see how everything is actually all wrong. I couldn’t fix anything and I was consistently upset! Nothing I did changed a thing or made me less upset.

It was now Thursday and I was reviewing my quizzing like crazy! I couldn’t remember a thing! Or, almost anything… I remembered that Jesus was born in a manger… That was about it. So, I read my quiz book over. At least four times I found myself pondering what I read. The first time was Luke 1:37-38, “And Mary said, ‘ My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour.’” This was just after the angel Gabriel had told Mary that she would give birth to a son who would die a blameless death for the world. The second verse was Luke 1:68 which read, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, for he has come and has redeemed his people.” And the third section I pondered greatly is found in Luke chapter two. This is when the angels have appeared to the shephards in a multitude singing, “Glory to God in the highest”. The last section in Luke that really got me, I was in tears here, was from Luke chapter 11. These verses are commonly known as the Six Woes. See, Jesus was again trying to teach the Pharisees and Experts in the Law. And what He was telling them was that they were in it only for the glory. They did not do the things they did for God. Rather, they fullfilled their tasks and duties to improve their status and power.

After reading this, I had a nice crying session because all years in quizzing, we had been talking about the Pharisees and the Experts in the Law and yet, I was just as selfish as they were in the sense that I took all the credit. Once I had finished soaking my pillow and clothes, I started to thank God for everything he had done for me… Starting with my second tournament accomplishments. Even after thanking Him for only a few things, I felt so much happier.

Brothers and sisters in Christ, how are the things we do and receive going to keep us content if we take all of the credit? As soon as something bad happens we’ll start to sink in the sand. We won’t ever be complete and we’ll keep needing to boast/brag about ourselves to prove that we’re worthy. But… if we lift all of our praise to God and give Him the glory, then you’ll be filled… with HIS joy and HIS glory.

Selective mutism is a type of anxiety disorder. It is when a person, most often a child, is repeatedly unable to speak in certain social situations for an extended period of time. The inability to speak is not related to a speech impediment or a lack of understanding of the language. The inability to speak comes from a severe, uncontrollable anxiety that renders the sufferer silent. The silence is nothing short of burdensome and painful.

I have personal experience with this disorder. I suffered with selective mutism from at least preschool until I was 15 years old. There are methods of treatment, but just like most things, success usually comes more easily with early diagnosis. Clearly, that didn’t happen for me. I didn’t even know selective mutism by name until I was 18 years old. I had always just believed that there was something wrong with me. Suffering in silence and thinking that you’re alone is a terrible feeling. In most cases, though, I was still a happy child. I was completely relaxed and comfortable at home with my parents. At home, I could be myself and have fun. Fear didn’t bother me or try to take over. As soon as anyone else came into the picture, however,… silence. Every time there was silence. I hated it. I still hate it. I had no control. It happened automatically. I wasn’t being true to myself. That silent girl, it wasn’t really me.

The anxiety-causing situation arises. Something would shut down within me. It’s like my body was a robot with two settings:

1) Full personality- no secrets, expression is shown openly, no anxiety

2) Default mode- everything is a secret, expressions are wiped away, debilitating anxiety

I had absolutely no control over which setting my robot body would show. And I had no control over when the settings would switch. None.

Default mode came easy. It’s the full personality side that took work. Even now I’m still struggling with this.When I’m trying to be myself, which would be an easy task for a normal person, I have to work for it. Sometimes even trying hard to be who I really am does me no good. I still fail. I’m tired of failing! I’m tired of being afraid! I hate being afraid!!!

I would almost describe selective mutism to be like a dictatorship. It does what it wants and you don’t ask questions, you don’t even think to ask questions, you don’t challenge it, and you don’t even stop to think that this could be wrong. You just follow its command. You stay silent no matter the consequences. You give in to its power, no matter how much you wish you could just be like everyone else. Soon, you’re so lost in its power that its second nature. You can’t help but go silent in an instant, whenever it commands you to. It buries you deeper and deeper. Shutting you out of other people’s lives. And the worst part, you don’t even realize that it is sucking you in and taking over. You’re its slave. It’s leading your life for you and taking you down an evil road. You rely on it as your safety net and protection. It makes you think that people just don’t like you and that people are trying to change you when they have no business to. It makes you think that everyone is just out to get you. You’re safe in selective mutism and everyone else is just…weird.

There are so many things that go along with this disorder. Selective mutism results in problems in school, it makes it extremely difficult to make friends, it opens an avenue for people to bully you, other people can become impatient with you, others can pile stress after stress on you to talk,….the list goes on. Over time I would slowly increase the number of people I would speak to. Accomplishing this goal was far from an easy task. There are so many more details involved in dealing with and trying to get past selective mutism, but to keep from writing a novel, I’ll just say that with God’s help, I was able to eventually get through this.

I was baptized at 14 years old. I had a fear of going under water, but it was like the fear just went away after I finally realized that baptism by immersion was necessary for salvation. After I was baptized, I learned so much spiritually. I still can’t believe that I have been going to church since I was a week old and there was so much that I didn’t know. I had a really great teacher for Bible class at the time. I look at him like a grandfather. On a particular Sunday, about 4 months after my baptism, he asked me to read a scripture out loud in class. It was the first time since my baptism that anyone had asked me to speak. I hesitated. Obviously. I wish I could remember the exact words that he said, but it was something like, “What do you have to fear?” or “There is nothing to fear” or “You can do anything.” But whatever it was, it made me feel something that I had never felt before. I felt empowered. I felt strong. I felt like all of a sudden, in that instant, I had control. Me. Not selective mutism, but me.  I read the verse.  It just goes to show you that alone, we can’t do anything, but with God we can do anything. His Spirit dwells in me and He worked. He took over my body and I gave in to what He wanted me to do. It didn’t matter that selective mutism commanded my silence. I only have one God and selective mutism isn’t it. Yeah, it was a major change for me, but I made the change with confidence. I can’t imagine the possibilities that I would have missed out on if I hadn’t at least started talking when I did. God demands us all to teach and that’s hard to do if you can’t speak. God answered my prayers. He allowed me to speak and I am so thankful. He took my fear down to a level that I could handle. I finally won back every part of my life.

So here are some bits and pieces of my story. I hardly talk about this to anyone, but I do want people to know that selective mutism is real. Around every 7 out of 1000 children have this disorder. I now know that there are other children out there going through what I went through. I now know that I was not alone. There is a lot of info online about the facts of selective mutism so I wanted to focus more on the feelings associated with it. Now that I have found my voice, I am trying to push myself into sharing my experiences. The best way I know to help those children who are suffering is to join in on this effort of raising awareness. I pray that with the help of many others, but mostly importantly, with the help of God, we can one day know the most effective way to break the silence of selective mutism.

hello,

Recently , ive been touching on becoming more grateful in everything. Sometimes i find myself catching attitudes when i shouldn’t be. Or having bad moods when i shouldn’t be. And i realized that me being in bad mood or having an attitude is only pleasing to the devil. It is not pleasing to God or Godly like. So i just focus mainly on that . When i have attitude Satan is probably thinking yes got you right where i want you,but i cant allow that to happen . I cant live for Jesus and please the devil . So just think of this the next time you catch yourself saying this is a bad morning, or I am having a terrible day because your not accepting that your day can turn around and change!