So I am angry at God because I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Looking in to an exclusive club that I cannot be a member of and yet I have tried so hard and have failed to be accepted. I have failed at being human, and failed at being normal. I wish how things could have been different at my birth. How I wish I could have had different parents, ones whom knew how to be parents and could have taught me the basics in life like responsibility. I regret my younger years, I regret throwing away my education and regret all the drugs and alcohol that I have done. I have failed at every relationship I have ever had because I don’t know the first thing about how to have a healthy one. I am nothing but one lump sum of failures and it burns deep in my mind. Regret has consumed me and I wish this life would just hurry up and end so I do not have to wake up to another miserable day.
I have tried to find joy God, but I cannot not.
I called to you and you answered not.
You turned your ear to away from my prayer.
And instead of help you sent bitterness.
Instead of lifting me up you cast me down.
You destroyed me for your own pleasure,
Despite my pleas of suffering.
You made me the target of your arrows
And the focal point of your rage,
You destroyed me without pity or remorse,
You took all that I love and destroyed it before me,
I now beg you for death,
and you still remain silent.
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Hello Anonymous Soldier. First, I just want to tell you that you have not failed at being human. We are a flawed people. By being imperfect, and making mistakes, and doing things that God is not pleased with and that you are not pleased with, you are only proving that you are a “perfect” human – sinner at the core.
There is only one “cure” for sin, and that’s Jesus. You will always be a human (sinner), but through Jesus you can be presented to God as “spotless” – basically perfected through Him. It’s kind of like when God looks at you He puts on His Jesus glasses and looks on you with love, through the blood of Christ. It’s not by anything you have done or can do. All the things that you are not proud of doing just prove how much you need Him.
When you call on Him, He is faithful to respond to you. You need to understand that there is nothing you can do to make your life better. Only He can do it. It’s through getting to know God that you will begin to see purpose and enjoy living.
As a teenager, I got into drugs and alcohol, shattered my relationship with my dad, broke my mom’s trust, attempted suicide and failed at that. Such a screw-up that I couldn’t even kill myself right… right? WRONG! It wasn’t up to me to take my own life. I made a desperate cry to God that night, when I was 15 years old. He answered. It was a long process, but over the course of the next three years after that night, I finally got to a point of accepting Christ as the only way to cleanse me from my failure of human sin.
It’s a process. And there’s more to it than just crying out. Make yourself available to God’s response to you. The “best” way to do this (if there is a best way) is through reading the Bible. Let God speak to you through it. If you don’t, He’ll use something else. Just tune your ear to hear. And don’t give up. If you can hold onto the thought that there COULD be hope, just MAYBE, then hold on.
There is no relationship too broken to mend, no hurt too deep to forgive, no wrong path too far gone to come back. I know these thoughts you are thinking. I’ve been there. And there is hope. In God. You say you’re angry at God, but think deeper. What are you angry about? Are you angry at yourself? You’re angry that your circumstances were not different. That God allowed you to have some crappy experiences.
As you grow to know Him, God WILL use those crappy situations to make you stronger. He uses the ugliest things in our lives to allow us to be able to help others and to to understand who we are in Christ.
The first step is knowing Jesus. Knowing that the only way to get to God is through Jesus. You’re not good enough for God, and you never will be. But Jesus can make you good enough. Because HE’s good enough. He’s the ONLY ONE good enough. And He made a way for you to be in a right relationship with God.
I hope I don’t sound to “preachy.” I just have such a strong passion for this because I’ve been where you are. I dreaded waking up each day. I hated my life and saw no way out, no way to better my circumstances. And when I couldn’t do anything to fix it, God directed my path without me even being aware of His presence, and He led me to Himself.
Hang in there, and please keep in touch. I’m here.
Dear Jesus, make Yourself known in such a real way to this Soldier. Show him the depth of your love. Show him healing. Show him grace and peace. God I know that only You can provide the kind of healing this man needs. I pray that you do it. Replace his hopelessness with hope. Replace his anger with understanding. God give him discernment and use his brokenness to draw him to Yourself. Protect him from the temptations of Satan and evil desires. God let your Spirit be a comfort in his time of need. I pray this all in the power of the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
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